Truth be told, real life is quite ordinary when compared to the fictional fireworks portrayed on primetime’s most popular shows, say locals who lament that paperwork often trumps shootouts and on-the-job flirting

By Sarah Linn

erret Gran used to give this speech whenever he stepped into a courtroom:

“Hey, what you see on TV or in the movies is not what happens in a real courtroom. It’s not as exciting. It’s not as dramatic. Everything’s not resolved in half an hour.”

According to Gran, chief deputy district attorney for San Luis Obispo County, popular television series like “CSI” and “Law and Order” have trained the public to expect plenty.

“I’m not sure reality is entertaining enough for people,” said Ed Miller, a retired FBI special agent.

As America’s favorite TV scripted shows return to prime time, we asked local professionals what they think about the way their jobs are portrayed onscreen.

Although some aspects ring true, our experts said most TV shows tend to be overly dramatic, gloss over details and spout techno-babble.

Sometimes, they added, they’re just plain wrong.

Crime scene investigators

The next time “CSI: Miami” star David Caruso rips off his sunglasses to utter a one-liner, ponder this: Did he just trample the evidence?

According to Rob Bryn, public information officer for the county Sheriff’s Department, fictional forensics experts often get things wrong.

“Everybody thinks that CSI is a silver bullet” and it’s not, said Bryn. “You have to corroborate the evidence and witness statements, do some old-fashioned police work.”

At the county Sheriff’s Department, forensics lab employees study evidence such as fingerprints, ballistics and urine samples. They send DNA, blood and body fluids to outside labs.

In real life, results can take weeks, even months to return. On TV, it takes minutes.

“It just drives everybody crazy,” said Bryn, former public information officer for the San Luis Obispo Police Department.

Don’t expect CSI to investigate busted car windows or graffiti, either. According to Bryn, crime scene investigators usually focus on serious crimes: murder, rape and robbery.

“People believe because of television programs that CSI is the answer and it should be done for everything,” Bryn said. “It’s very expensive, very specialized.”

FBI agents

As retired FBI agent Miller used to say during school presentations, “I’ve never been shot. I’ve never shot anyone. And ‘The X Files’ aren’t real.”

Miller, a Nipomo resident, is hardly a humorless clone in black suit and shades. He’s the lead singer and guitarist of local rock band Unfinished Business.

“FBI agents are members of the community. They’re average people who have families,” said Miller, who retired as head of the FBI’s Santa Maria office in 2003.

Miller, who spent nearly three decades as an FBI special agent, said he hasn’t seen an accurate representation of bureau life since 1959’s “The FBI Story,” starring Jimmy Stewart.

The life of a regular FBI agent might be too mundane,” Miller said. “What’s portrayed on TV and movies is a very select segment, and it happens a lot quicker (than real life).”

On the small screen, fictional FBI agents focus on missing persons cases (“Without A Trace”), long-ago murders (“Bones”) and profiling crooks (‘Criminal Minds”).

In Miller’s experience, however, local agents spend more time dealing with ordinary white-collar crimes such as bank heists, embezzlement and investment scams.

Special agents also assist with murder and kidnapping cases at the request of local law enforcement, said Miller.

“We used to work cases that took years,” he said, such as the Rex Krebs double- murder case. “I guess the condensed version is more entertaining.”

Nurses

Hospitals seem like the perfect backdrop for high-powered drama. Every day, medical staff face life-or- death dilemmas, miraculous recoveries and heartbreaking tragedy.

Yet Franny Harvey and Lina Kho, both registered nurses at Sierra Vista Regional Medical Center in San Luis Obispo, say shows like “E. R.,” “House” and “Grey’s Anatomy” are so inaccurate that they no longer watch them.

“I never sit and watch a show completely. As soon as it’s not real, I turn it off,” said Kho.

Her husband, a physician, prefers not to watch medical dramas.

“He wants that left out of the house,” she said.

What’s most frustrating to Harvey is the way such shows downplay the value of nurses.

“Nurses are much more knowledgeable and powerful than the public realizes—until they get really sick,” said Harvey, who’s been a nurse for 24 years. Among other tasks, she administers drugs, monitors vital signs and makes critical decisions about medical care.

With all that work, added Harvey, there’s little time for the flirting and gossip shown on TV.

“Everybody portrays (doctors and nurses) as having raging hormones,” Harvey said. “There’s no time for that. The amount of paperwork that we have to fill out is ridiculous.”

Psychics

Take it from television: Psychics have never been hotter.

NBC’s “Medium” follows a suburban mom who regularly consults with law enforcement about her otherworldly visions. On CBS’s “Ghost Whisperer,” a young woman communicates with the dead.

There’s even a show spoofing the genre called, appropriately, “Psych.”

San Luis Obispo psychic Susette Smith provides what she calls “intuitive guidance” to roughly 450 clients, either in person or via telephone.

“I’m not particularly inspired to be the physic who talks to police,” Smith said with a chuckle. “That’s weird, and I try to be as normal as possible.”

In fact, Smith recalled, the few times she’s phoned local police with tips, “I was met with a lukewarm reception. It was kind of like, ‘Put this in the weirdo file.’ ”

Personally, the psychic said, she’s more interested in reality shows like the SciFi Channel’s “Ghost Hunters,” which looks into rumors of paranormal activity.

“I’m not interested in (people) acting something out. I want to see a picture of a damn ghost,” Smith quipped. “The other stuff? Eh, I do it for a living. Who wants to watch it?”

Scientists

Pity the poor scientist. Whereas most professionals on television are sexy, confident dynamos, scientists come across as brilliant, yet completely incompetent when it comes to wooing the opposite sex.

“Usually, they’re a bit nerdy and a little bit aloof, a little bit socially awkward—the ‘Absentminded Professor’ type,” said Thomas Guiterrez, an assistant professor at Cal Poly who specializes in experimental neutrino physics.

Still, he admitted, “There’s a little bit of truth to that.”

To be fair, Hollywood has its share of “cool scientists”—the same clear-eyed hunks who battled giant bugs in the ’50s.

These days, nerds are enjoying a boom of popularity.

Computer genius Chuck aids the CIA in his eponymous NBC show. On CBS’s “Numb3rs,” a math whiz helps his FBI agent brother fight crime.

And the smart, funny quantum physicists on CBS sitcom “The Big Bang Theory”? Occasionally, they actually get dates.

Therapists

Picture a dimly lit office. A tearful client lies on her back, reminiscing about her mother as a bored, bespectacled man doodles in a notebook.

That’s the stereotype, says Linda Lewis Griffith, a family and marriage therapist based in San Luis Obispo.

In reality, she said, most therapists try to set an inviting environment.

“It’s a very quiet, intimate profession. It doesn’t show up very well on the big screen,” Griffith said.

Her clients are more likely to suffer from alcoholism than schizophrenia. Crying jags and blow-ups are rare.

“We don’t see a lot of serial killers in our job. It’s a lot of people who are sad or coming through a divorce,” said Griffith, who also writes a column for The Tribune.

What about romantic dalliances with clients?

“Quickest way to lose your license ever,” she said.

In fact, she said, an accurate show about relationship gurus would be as low-key as a drama about dentists.

“The TV wants drama. They want to see people screaming and crying and throwing things,” she said. “Our job is to cool things down. We want it to be calm and dull and relaxed, not exciting.”

TV news anchors

What could be a better subject for a TV show than television itself? CBS’s “Back To You,” which stars Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton as TV news anchors, is a hit with the staff of local station KSBY-TV.

“I think all of us in the news biz can relate. Especially when the show deals with situations like deadlines, story meetings and being on the air,” said KSBY anchor Tony Cipolla.

“We can all really appreciate the humor because we’ve all worked with a diva,” added Wendy Thies, who recently resigned as co-anchor. “We’ve all worked with someone who talks like ‘The Anchor,’ with the really dumb person that all the viewers think is smart and fabulous.”

That said, the on-air duo claim they never squabbled like Grammer and Heaton’s characters.

Said Cipolla, “(Wendy) is as professional as they come. She’s also a good friend. And I think that showed on-air.”

Reach Sarah Linn at 781-7907.

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