Posted by Ron Martin on 06.24.2007

This week in one man's utopia: What the hell is Cirque De Soleil, ladder matches, dwarf tossing and Scooby Doo

-- Last week it was with great disappointment that I had to tell you, the loyal reader, that my dark horse of a network, FOX, had virtually nothing to offer you this fall other than the same old crap that every out of touch network executive thinks America wants based on some survey done in a mall in the middle of Buttocks, North Dakota that had exactly 30 participants. This week my hope is that better things will come with CBS. I mean, they are the #1 network; they must be on the cutting edge of television, right? Or are they what my friend tells me they are, Crappy But Safe. We'll see what ol' CBS has at the plate.
Kid Nation -- Wednesdays, reality. Here we go. Forty kids are given an abandoned town and basically told, "make it work". From what I can tell, there are four groups and each group elects a leader to be on the council. The kids have to do everything themselves from washing their clothes, to running businesses to cleaning poop craplets off the back of the port-o-pottie. No one is eliminated, you only leave when you want to. Let's take a look at this, shall we. First of all, it's all kids. Strike One. From what I've seen, either these are the most literate and well spoken 8-15 year old kids of all time or they only actually said three minutes worth of dialogue that made sense for a preview. As if running a town isn't hard enough, the kids are separated into "classes" based on challenges. For example, there's the upperclass, the laborers, etc. Strike Two. The winning team gets to choose prizes for the town, such as a library or a video arcade. I'm sure that was a tough choice. Strike Three. You're Oooouuutttt! I won't say this is the worst idea for a reality show ever, but it's something they'll be looking back on in twenty years and say "We put that on TV? Are you kidding me?" Don't bother, just read Lord of the Flies.
Viva Laughlin -- Sundays, drama. So they're relying heavily on Hugh Jackman to sell this thing. He's in all the promos and his name is dropped like four times in the description. Here's the problem – he's not even a regular on the show, just a recurring character. Strike One. The actual characters of the show will find themselves in an Americanized version of the BBC show Viva Liverpool. In case Viva Liverpool doesn't ring a bell with you, let me explain. There's a casino opening up in Nevada. Laughlin, Nevada that is. Don't worry the action doesn't revolve around the boring and dreary activities that daily life in a casino would offer, but around the numerous murders that shall take place here. Strike Two. It doesn't end there. The excitement never stops in Laughlin, because they like to randomly break out into song. Yes, this is a musical. Just what the world was waiting for a singing, fruity Wolverine. Strike Three. You're Oooouuuttt!. I am wondering if this will get as many episodes as Cop Rock.
Big Bang Theory -- Mondays, comedy. I guess "nerds" are the next big thing. From the producers of Two and a Half Men comes this comedy that surprisingly has nothing to do with the creation of the universe. Ball One. The show stars the kid who played David on Roseanne and some other dude I have never seen before as two supernerds living together and guess who moves next door? If you said a super hot chick then you are a master of sitcom classic situations. Strike One. Of course, the girl is as dumb as they guys are smart (she's a vegetarian who eats fish and the loves and occasional steak). The "comedy" comes as these two socially awkward nerds try to woo the girl. I know I threw a strike on the one classic sitcom stereotype that shows up in the series, but this does ring true to the classic sitcom format. It's a sitcom that has actual situations (like the girl's shower is broken so she has to use the neighbors) instead of a sitcom sans situation but heavy on the talking. Ball Two. The acting is stiff and rough, (Strike Two) but the lines are actually somewhat humorous. Ball Three. I've been beaten down by TV enough to readily accept ‘somewhat humorous' as the best I'm going to get. Batter take your base! Give it a shot, but I make no promises.
Cane -- Tuesdays, drama. This Jimmy Smits vehicle is not about Abel's brother, nor the backstory of Glen Jacobs. Though, I would venture to guess that either would make for a more original story. Let's see The Sopranos is off the air, so let's do our own cheap, low-rate version on network TV. Strike One. The Duque family came to America and struck it big with their own brand of rum. After that, it's Sopranos lite. Smits face is all over this thing, and his last name isn't even Duque. But, I understand that, as much as I rant about it. You want your big face out there selling the show. The show, however, seems very over the top and soap opera-ish. It's even sold as a "soapy drama." Strike Two. They're trying to set up the Duques as a mafia type family with hits out and cop bribes. Here's the problem. The Duques (a name that does not roll off the tongue) cannot cuss outside of the occasional "ass" and "bitch" and I am sure the violence will be scaled back. Oh, and the nudity will exist in the same dimension as my Pulitzer Prize. If you're interested in a network TV version of The Sopranos, this is for you. If you have a brain, then pass. Strike Three. You're Oooouuttttt!

As a fan of the Indianapolis Colts, I find myself watching CBS religiously in the fall. With that comes the annoying announcement approximately once every .345 seconds that they are the #1 network in the country. Not for long with new lineups like this. Big Bang Theory is a safe stereotypical sitcom. That was pretty much the only reason that I let it get on base. Is it wrong to pity the #1 station

Show that never got up to bat: Moonlight is your basic private eye drama. Only the dick is a vampire. The first line of the preview is "Being a vampire sucks." Be glad I didn't preview this one. Swingtown is about the life of a couple who moves into the middle of swinging partner orgy and how they deal with it. Hmmm…this sounds like a pretty good porno, but as a straight drama? I don't want to see swingers and have to rely on the elusive sideboob action for material.

Show currently on CBS worth watching: How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men, NFL Sunday Football, Cold Case, Ghost Whisperer, Numb3rs, The Late Show with David Letterman and Jericho if it gets back on as a midseason replacement as is rumored.
Up Next Inning: ABC
http://www.411mania.com/movies/columns/56183/A-Fool%5C%5Cs-Utopia-06.24.07:-Fall-TV-Preview-Part-3:-CBS.htm